Wednesday, March 01, 2006

You are a Desi if

Some Observations on Desi Yankee Dudes & Dudees

Also called as

You are a Desi if...

These are some creatures who try to emulate the locals, even though they dont fit in!


- Calling honey, their spouses!
- Say liddle instead of little
- and wader for water
- the day they land in USA, they try to accentuate, with hisses and hmm hmm's
- say achcha - achcha to americans
- say damil instead of Thamizh (Tamil)
- always bring in conversation, that if it had been in India, things would have been worse
- get agitated when someone calls you Gulti, but rant in every conversation about tamil’s as aravams (noise in an empty pot)
- northies always end the English sentence with yaar
- use mouth and tongue to make a peculiar noise to say no, like in desh ( INDIA)!
- Go with local/Americans for lunch at work, than desi peers!
- Never give a call to a friend after he leaves the place, forgetting that he helped to set foot in USA and saved your job!


- Carry lotsa pennies to India as gifts, and what are goodwill and dollar shops for, shouldn’t forget, Kmart & Wal-Mart clearance items, and wholesale club shampoo bottles
- drive h o n d a (whondhao) or t o y o t a (toiattaa) and brag about it
- talk about cheap air tickets and frequent flier miles
- talk about long distance telephone companies than calling card
- make sure nephew or niece gets a copy of Peter Funk at the first day of private engineering college at an unknown location like gollikalipalayam
- wear lungi here at home but wear only shorts in India to show off!
- Smuggle Indian junk and food items against US Laws into USA!
- Smuggle Indian junk and water bottles into theatres
- keep creating different user names to get free months of internet access at home
- drive twenty miles to work on Saturdays and Sundays to surf the net and make free calls
- say 'just wader' in a cocktail lounge
- take credit on one minute long distance calls
- talk about taxes and cuts
- talk about priority numbers
- talk about going back to India ( z = z+1 syndrome ) and be the first one to apply for green card
- say zee instead of  ‘ezed’ for the letter 'z'
- return the video cassettes late and pay for only one week, borrow the borrowed one
- pool in for a single quarter at the slot machine in a casino
- ladies change hairstyle saying its easy to maintain, than telling the truth that, yes I want to look different!
- keep calling long distance co's to check on rates to call india
- see movies only at dollar theatres

Food Habits

- say to friends that you only drink diet coke, than the regular
- spend $19.95 on an unknown food, tasteless item, than spend on a sumptuous desi meal for 4.95, and even if so, wonder why they are charging so many rupees?
- make sure bachelor friends pays at restaurants since u feed them at home quite often ( 2 times a yr )
- don’t mind spending money on junk food, than call friends to keep in touch once a while ( even 5c calling plans wont help )
- never invite American guys to their house and keep wondering why they don’t invite you?
- When it is Dutch treat, always count you and your wife together as one!
- Eat beef burger to save money and project to others that you are vegetarian
- pack and bring all the pickles and groceries from India, even though the same will be available here at 10% the price!
- Make sure that house smell with stale spice always, including cars
- pack left-overs at the buffet
- make sure you take rice & sambar to work, and make whole office smell!
- Cook fired food and make sure the fire alarm goes off at home and act as if nothing happened when fire dept comes!

Friends & Relations

- As soon as a friend lands in USA, tell him phone calls are expensive, and tell him, let him call back and humiliate him... that too that will be only once!
- Call friends at odd like, like after 11pm to save money to get some benefit for you!
- Even when friends call, something always comes up, so you gotta go, the real reason being, yeah right, next time I should call him, why should I?
- Even if friends call after years together, always tell them you were thinking of calling them that time!
- Don’t entertain old friends, but try to impress colleagues, such that there can be some leverage at the water coolers! (Talk - they wont turn back on you )
- Always something comes up when long weekend nears, such that you need not invite friends over!
- Even if the friend bumps/knows that you are visiting the same city, San Francisco, than you told about visiting, make up something to tell that you are en route, like going to Vancouver (Canada) to meet brother
- if you don’t want him to come to your home (telling that you are going out of town, forgetting that it just takes a phone call for him to verify! ) and be in town when he makes a visit, make sure that common friends tell the same, and make'em liars who are visiting you, to tell the one you dont want to visit, that they are going somewhere, even after that friend had made arrangements, like booking tickets etc ( eventually it was used! ).... Finally the story comes out ugly!
- Even if the friend turns up in San Francisco and checks on you, make up something to tell that your plan got cancelled!
- Tell that the other friend told that he/she was not comfortable staying with the friend even though that he/she arranges to pile on at the same place through your friend
- even if you visit a town where your relative lives and your friend stays there, dont visit him there, and give reasons like, your relative is dead or something...
- try to mingle with same community even if the other person is uncomfortable!
- Give a ride to a friend to/from airport and make sure he repays you with treats equivalent to the limo fare of the ride
- Talk of getting together with classmates for years (5,10, 15, 20, 25 year re-unions)!
- Run to a stupid tax preparer even though you were the advisor to all friends on filing
- run away from accidents and try to create alibi at another friends place
- always say that that classmate will be same, even after years, old habits die hard
- forget sending marriage invitation cards (anyway they are here! they wont come to desh!)
- Borrow money from friends to invest in stock markets, telling him you have some emergency!
- Claim that made money or lost in investments (fake), since there is nothing to talk! (I shorted and lost 8k man)
- get restraining orders for hitting on a junkie ABCD and brag about it!
- Visit all the junkie bars and claim to be a puritan, Oh Rama!
- Bachelors worry why families get more money in paycheck?
- Lure (mafia like) your friends into the business activity, MLM and now Internet Virtual Mall! (Threaten your friends to join calling him at 10 PM in the night)
- Convince friends not to apply for green card, secretly wishing, 'yes one or more number is reduced'!
- Make sure bachelor/married friends bring costly gifts/toys for kids birthday parties and feed them at the funkiest restaurant, worth pennies!

Marriage & Relations

- Marry a girl just by seeing her in a photo and talk over phone, nice isn't it?
- Give your other friends advice on marriage, just after few days of your own one, which would have started being a disaster from day one!
- Bachelor friends start talking about hitting on white chicks or ABCD's, even though secretly wishing that’s you should get married to a girl from same community with lotsa money, parents are happy right?
- Talk finding a match on Internet is useless and be the first one to put an Advt. in the
- Marry before your elder brother and elder sister back in India
- Visit only married friends after marriage and exchange leftovers.
- Make fun of bachelors after marriage, forgetting that he was one before!
- Marry a junk desi in USA, meeting him/her, just to boast that you fell in love!
- Share apt with a bachelor, even if you are newly married, saying that he is a close friend, missing close romantic moments!

Family & Kids

- Have another kid to get the Child Tax Credit
- Make sure wife does all the work at home even if she is working!
- Torture wife to learn visual basic and oracle even though she is BA or MA. (English)
- join kids in public schools and lie to friends that it is a private school! (And I am paying about $250 a month you know, like 15,000 rupees yaar?)
- Take kids to free parks or free circus!
- Always take kids to kids eat free places
- Families always pack leftovers for bachelors which will spoil any moment
- Pack leftover pizza in kids lunch boxes, than pay 45c for cafeteria...
- Bring brother-in-law (M.Sc. Zoo) from India and convert him to program in 6 months! (I have to support him man)

Career & Work!

- Finish the tasks given by Yankees in one-tenth of the time and slack the rest browsing Internet!
- Always use office phone to call friends
- Use much of office time to browse about india on internet at work or make long distance calls!
- Always wonder learning Java or CORBA or COM is better than improve current skills
- Lure friends to join their junk companies for that darn referral fee!
- Always keep wondering why the other guy with SAPERP skill makes more money than you!
- Go to India to get trained on SAP or PeopleSoft (only 15,000/- rupees man!) and come back and work for lesser salary in the old job!
- Bribe your project boss with a share in overtime to stay in that project slacking for long after of not getting future work!
- Be on bench and get paid as low as possible living a carefree life, calling it land of paradise, just to show off!
- Once you get green card start your own company, bodyshopping, to make more money then realize it is not worth it!
- Keep planning to go back to India (x = x + 1 syndrome)
- Don’t understand that life is far better in INDIA than in USA unless it is for making money!


- Always use eucalyptus oil, for any kind of disease including headache, even though the HMO/PPO covers it.
- Check whether you can buy Zandu balm using the prescription
- go to a plan doctor 45 miles away, than go to a non-plan doctor 1 mile away to save $ 2/-
- get the teeth and eye fixed to get more money in the dowry market
- join health club and visit only once in a month ($37 man)
- always keep ranting that, today’s quota of vitamins have been taken...
- bring in sick mother-in-law to take care of new born baby, costing more money to treat her, than to hire an au-pair

Note: This is written to symbolize the Indian living in the US as seen by me ( protected by copyright laws worldwide ), and if you have any problem reading it or understand it, including internal meanings, please email me!

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