Arranged Marriages in India: Expectations and Realities

Arranged marriages have been a longstanding tradition in India, deeply rooted in cultural beliefs and social structures. In contemporary society, the dynamics of arranged marriages have evolved, influenced by various factors such as education, career aspirations, and changing societal norms. This article explores the common expectations regarding prospective grooms in India, shedding light on salary, company, looks, age, family influence, and the often enigmatic role of luck.

Salary Expectations

In the realm of arranged marriages, financial stability is a significant criterion. It is commonly expected that a groom's salary reflects his age and maturity. For instance, a 25-year-old is generally anticipated to earn a minimum of ₹30,000 per month, while a 30-year-old should be making at least ₹60,000. By the age of 35, a monthly salary of ₹1 lakh is often seen as a benchmark. This financial expectation does not merely signify affluence; it reflects a desire for security and a comfortable lifestyle. Many prospective brides and their families prioritize this aspect, viewing it as an indicator of the groom's capability to provide for a future family.

Employment Status

The type of employment also holds considerable weight in the selection process. Many families prefer grooms who work for reputable government firms or large multinational corporations (MNCs) such as TCS, Wipro, or Tata. Employment in smaller firms, despite potentially high salaries, may lead to rejection simply due to perceived instability or lack of prestige. This preference underscores a societal inclination towards status and security associated with reputable organizations.

The Importance of Looks

Physical appearance, particularly grooming and health, plays a critical role in the selection process. While it may seem superficial, many families place significant emphasis on looks, especially hair. The societal pressures surrounding beauty can lead girls to reject potential partners based solely on physical attributes. Although some may argue that health is paramount, the focus on appearance often overshadows deeper qualities that contribute to a successful marriage.

Age Dynamics

Age preferences in arranged marriages can be quite rigid. Most women prefer partners who are close to their age or younger. For instance, a 27-year-old woman might seek a partner between 25 and 30. Conversely, a 30-year-old man seeking a 22-year-old woman may face rejection. Interestingly, this trend extends to divorced individuals; women often seek younger partners, while men may find it challenging to attract women older than themselves. This age dichotomy reflects traditional beliefs about gender roles and societal expectations.

Family Influence

Family opinions significantly impact marriage decisions. While personal preferences play a role, parents often have the final say in the selection process. A girl may find a groom appealing based on looks and salary, but her parents might weigh additional factors. The familial dynamics vary greatly; in some families, the girl’s choice is paramount, while in others, parents exert more control. Ultimately, the outcome can feel akin to an interview process, where one only learns of acceptance or rejection after the fact.

The Role of Luck and Fortune

Perhaps the most perplexing aspect of arranged marriages is the role of luck or fortune. Many men, despite lacking in looks, financial success, or familial responsibilities, manage to marry attractive partners and lead fulfilling lives. This phenomenon often raises questions about karma and fate, suggesting that external factors beyond one’s control can play a significant role in marital outcomes.

Case Studies

Consider the case of a woman who, at 33, was still single due to her unrealistic expectations. She sought a partner who resembled a film star but eventually realized that her criteria were limiting her opportunities. Similarly, a man with an impressive job and assets found himself overlooked due to his drinking habits and lack of family involvement. These examples highlight the complexities of human relationships, revealing that financial status and appearance do not always correlate with compatibility or happiness.

Changing Perspectives

The expectations for grooms stem from historical contexts where women faced oppression and were often treated as property. Today, many women seek independence and desire partners who can provide not just financially, but also emotionally. As societal norms evolve, some couples choose to share responsibilities and build their futures together.

Astrology and Horoscope

Astrology remains a vital factor for many families in India. Even those skeptical of astrological beliefs may find themselves constrained by familial expectations regarding horoscope compatibility. This can complicate the search for a suitable partner, as many will not consider matches that do not align with astrological beliefs.

Expanding Horizons

For those struggling to find a match, broadening the criteria for potential partners can be beneficial. This may include considering partners from different backgrounds, educational levels, or even varying employment statuses. Rejection based on superficial criteria can limit opportunities for meaningful connections.

Conclusion

Navigating the landscape of arranged marriages in India involves understanding complex social dynamics and personal expectations. While financial stability, appearance, and family influence dominate the selection process, it is essential to recognize the evolving nature of relationships in contemporary society. As individuals continue to pursue their aspirations and challenge traditional norms, the essence of partnership may shift towards shared values and mutual respect. Ultimately, those seeking companionship should focus on personal growth and fulfillment, ensuring that they are content with their journey, regardless of marital outcomes.

The Neighbor's Roof Adjacent to Ours

 

The Neighbor's Roof Adjacent to Ours

After a long time of marriage, I had returned to my parental home. My family home was in an old neighborhood of Patna, where it still exists. The houses are close together, just 6-7 feet apart in narrow lanes, with only 3-4 feet of distance between the roofs. My husband, Sankalp, had gone abroad for a trip, which happened 2-3 times a year. I was sitting on the roof with my mom in the evening. The neighbor's roof was right next to ours. A boy named Avinash lived in that house; he was 4-5 years older than me and studied in the same school. Suddenly, I remembered him and asked my mom, “Where is Avinash these days?”

“I don’t know anything about him. He left this house a few days before your wedding. He was a tenant here, came to Patna for studies.”

I went to the kitchen to make tea, but memories of the past began flooding back. I felt restless, unable to focus on anything. While straining the tea into the cup, half of it spilled outside. My mind kept wandering through the corridors of the past. Anyway, I made the tea and returned to the roof. My mom was talking to an aunt from the neighboring roof, with just 3 feet between them. I handed my tea to the aunt and said, “You both drink it. I’ll make some for myself later.”

I stood at the other corner of the roof, away from them. It was getting dark. When the electricity went out, the children came out making noise. Some came to their own roofs. During such times, Avinash would smile at me or wave his hand when I was on the roof. I was in the 8th grade then and often went up to dry clothes, and Avinash was usually there too, especially on holidays.

One day, while I was standing on the roof, the power went out, and it got a bit dark. Avinash came close, handed me a note, and then quickly ran away, smiling. I was very scared. I hid the note inside my kurta. The years between childhood and adolescence can be quite tumultuous for girls. Sometimes you feel like jumping with joy, and sometimes you fear growing up. Sometimes you want to embrace someone, and other times you wish to be embraced.

Later, I read the note. It said, “Deepa, you look very beautiful when you smile, and it makes me happy to see that.”

Time passed like this. My sister’s wedding was coming up, and there was a mehndi ceremony. I also got mehndi on both hands and went up to the roof in the evening. Avinash was on his roof too. He smiled and waved at me. I don’t know what came over me, but I raised my mehndi-covered hands in response. He gestured for me to come closer to the railing, and I was drawn to him. He immediately kissed my hands, and I pulled away quickly.

Whenever Avinash got a chance, he would secretly hand me a note. It would often say, “Just keep smiling.” I liked it, but I never responded or expressed anything back.

After completing my Plus Two, I joined college. Suddenly, my sister suggested a good match for me from her in-laws. I wanted to study further, but everyone unanimously insisted, “A good match has come to our doorstep. Don’t let this opportunity slip. You can finish your studies in your in-laws’ house.”

Preparations for my wedding were underway. Avinash sent me a note through a small child, wishing me congratulations on my wedding and advising me to keep smiling in my new home. He mentioned that he would miss seeing my mehndi-laden hands.

After my wedding, I moved to Indore with my husband, Sankalp. He is a good, decent man but often busy with work. When he gets free time, he watches cricket on TV or goes to his cricket club. I never complained about this.

My mom's voice broke my reverie, “Deepa, tomorrow is the mehndi ceremony for our neighbor Pradeep uncle's daughter Mohini, and there’s also a ladies’ sangeet. You know her; she was in your school, two classes behind you. She specifically asked for you to come along.”

The next evening, I went to Mohini’s place. I got mehndi applied on both hands up to my elbows and participated in the ladies’ sangeet for a while. When the electricity went out, I returned home. Although the generator was running there, I couldn’t tolerate the loud music, so I left.

I went up to my roof and suddenly remembered Avinash. I waved my mehndi-covered hands in the air. The neighbor aunt saw me from her roof and thought I was showing my hands to her. She came closer to the railing and said, “Your mehndi looks very nice. The color has come out well. The groom must really love you.”

I shyly pulled my hands back. Later that night, I was online on my laptop when I unexpectedly saw Avinash's friend request and accepted it immediately. Shortly after, I received a message from him asking how I was and if my smile was still intact. “Sankalp must like your smile too,” he added.

I was astonished. How did he know about Sankalp? So, I asked, “How do you know him?”

“I’m a teacher at a central school in Dubai. Sankalp came to our school to set up the computer and Wi-Fi system. During our conversation, I found out he is your husband. He gave me your WhatsApp number.”

High Class vegetarian Restaurants in Tamilnadu

 

High-Class Vegetarian Restaurants in Tamil Nadu: Indispensable Traits

When it comes to high-class vegetarian restaurants in Tamil Nadu, a few unmistakable characteristics stand out:

• Behind the cash counter, large photographs of delectable dishes are prominently displayed, alongside a faded picture of the hotel’s former glory.

• You can be sure there will be a glass bowl filled with ripe lemons on the cash counter.

• The same table will likely have a couple of transparent containers without any discernible purpose.

• A fresh floral garland will adorn the entrance of the restaurant daily.

• The washroom will have a tap, but it often lacks running water; instead, an aluminium jug with water is provided for handwashing.

• There may be a hand dryer installed, but it rarely functions properly.

• Though a tissue paper dispenser is present, it is often empty.

• There will be a restroom, but it will invariably be locked; you might even reminisce about the legendary Thoppur Hotel while waiting.

• The cash counter might have motivational quotes about honesty, but requesting an extra papad will usually incur an additional charge.

• If you sit at a table, you might get a glance from a server, who will then promptly adjust the ceiling fan switch above you.

• After ten minutes of waiting, a server will finally come to collect the already softened leaf plates, followed by another wait for the main dishes.

• The only items you’ll receive will be idli, dosa, vada, and puri; any other requests will be met with the response that they are not available.

• No matter what you order, a vada will somehow accompany your meal.

• The chutney served with the meal will either lack salt or be overly diluted; one of these will inevitably be the case.

• After serving, the supplier will vanish, leaving you to wait for sambar and chutney; you might find yourself sitting there for quite some time.

• It’s only during your meal that the supplier will reappear with the bill, staying until you count your money.

• When tipping, you might notice that the change is often just small denominations, as if they are keeping an eye on how much you leave.

• Once you step outside after a meal, you may wonder if it was worth it, reminiscing about the homemade upma your spouse could have made instead.

India A Great Nation compared to other countries

 

Here are some practical strengths that India showcases compared to other countries:

Affordability of Healthcare

India's healthcare system is notably affordable, with medical costs significantly lower than in many other places, making healthcare accessible for a larger population.

Public Transportation

In numerous Indian cities, public transportation is both cost-effective and extensive. The vast rail network allows for affordable train travel across the country, while buses, auto-rickshaws, and metros provide efficient and economical ways to navigate urban areas.

Food

Renowned for its rich and diverse culinary heritage, Indian food is not only flavorful but also remarkably affordable. The variety of options available ensures that delicious meals are accessible to everyone.

Community Support

Indian culture strongly values family ties and community networks. Many families live together, fostering a robust system of emotional and financial support.

Resourcefulness

A deep-rooted sense of frugality and sustainability characterizes many Indians. People often reuse, recycle, and repair items, contributing to a culture of reduced waste.

Resilience

Indians demonstrate a strong work ethic characterized by perseverance and adaptability. This resilience is evident in their willingness to overcome challenges and work diligently.

Celebrations

India's vibrant culture is marked by numerous festivals celebrated with enthusiasm, creating a sense of community, joy, and inclusivity.

Low-Cost Education

Education in India is highly affordable, with universities and professional schools offering a high standard of learning at a fraction of the cost found in comparable institutions globally.

Efficient Use of Labor

India's labor market is flexible and adaptable, providing a wide pool of human resources across various skill levels. This adaptability has fueled the country's thriving outsourcing industry.

Locally Sourcing

In rural areas, many Indians engage in sustainable farming practices, utilizing organic, locally sourced food. Local businesses often operate on a smaller scale, promoting community-based economies.

 

Aging and Care: A Guide for Indian Families

Introduction

In modern society, there's a growing tendency to distance ourselves from the older generation. However, to deal with aging effectively, we must start preparing now. This preparation is not just about physical health; it also involves emotional and financial readiness for retirement and the years that follow.

The Importance of Health

Prioritizing physical health is crucial as we age. Regular exercise, a balanced diet, and routine medical check-ups can significantly enhance our quality of life. It's essential to adopt healthy habits early, as these will lay the foundation for a more active and fulfilling later life.

Financial Planning for Retirement

Retirement can bring about unexpected financial challenges. It's vital to start saving early and to think about the costs associated with retirement living. Planning for expenses such as healthcare and daily living can help alleviate stress later on.

Mental Well-being

Maintaining mental health is just as important as physical health. Engaging in activities that promote mental stability, such as meditation and hobbies, can help cultivate a positive mindset. This preparation should begin well before reaching retirement age.

Acceptance of Aging

Aging is an inevitable process. While many may claim that age is just a number, the reality is that with age comes change. Understanding and accepting this can lead to a more peaceful experience.

Family Dynamics

As children grow and form their own families, it’s natural for them to focus on their lives. While this shift can be challenging, it's important to foster healthy communication and mutual respect within families. Encouraging children to develop their values can lead to harmonious relationships.

Individuality and Independence

Ultimately, we are all separate individuals. Our children do not owe us anything; fostering this understanding can lead to a more peaceful coexistence. Embracing independence and encouraging our children to live their own lives is essential for both parties.

Conclusion

Preparing for aging involves a multi-faceted approach that includes health, finance, mental well-being, and family dynamics. By embracing these aspects early on, we can ensure a more fulfilling and peaceful life as we age. It's not just about growing older; it's about living well.

Hinduism, Castes and Untouchability

 

The term "Hinduism" and its definition as a unified religion emerged gradually, with no single moment or person defining it. Here's a concise breakdown of your questions:

1. When was the Hindu definition given? Who accumulated all the types of worship as Hinduism?

• Definition Timeline: The term "Hindu" originally referred to people living beyond the Indus River, used by Persians around the 6th century BCE. It was a geographical and cultural label, not a religious one. By the 19th century, British colonial scholars and administrators, along with Indian reformers, began framing "Hinduism" as a cohesive religion to categorize diverse practices under one umbrella, contrasting it with Islam, Christianity, etc.
• Accumulation of Worship Types: No single individual "accumulated" all practices into Hinduism. It evolved organically over millennia, absorbing Vedic rituals, Bhakti devotion, Shaivism, Vaishnavism, Shaktism, and local traditions. 19th-century figures like Swami Vivekananda and Rammohan Roy helped articulate a unified "Hindu" identity, emphasizing shared philosophies (e.g., Vedas, Upanishads) to counter colonial critiques, but this was more a response to external pressures than a formal codification.
• Key Context: Hinduism remains a loose collection of traditions, not a monolithic religion. The idea of it as a single "ism" was partly a colonial construct, though rooted in ancient shared texts and practices.

2. How are castes formed?

• Origins: The caste system (varna) traces back to the Rigveda (c. 1500 BCE), which mentions four varnas: Brahmins (priests), Kshatriyas (warriors), Vaishyas (merchants), and Shudras (laborers). These were initially flexible roles based on occupation and aptitude, not birth.
• Evolution: Over centuries, especially by the time of the Manusmriti (c. 200 BCE–200 CE), varnas became rigid, hereditary, and hierarchical. Jatis (sub-castes) emerged from inter-varna mixing, regional differences, and occupational specialization, creating thousands of endogamous groups.
• Social Reinforcement: Caste solidified through religious texts, economic structures, and political power. Brahmins gained authority via ritual roles, while land control and trade reinforced Kshatriya and Vaishya status. Shudras and others were often relegated to manual labor.
• Modern Context: Colonial policies (e.g., census classifications) further entrenched caste identities. Today, caste persists in social customs, marriage, and politics, though legally banned in discriminatory forms.

3. What is untouchability?

• Origins: Untouchability emerged later than varnas, likely by the early centuries CE, targeting groups outside the varna system (later called Dalits). These communities were associated with "polluting" tasks like cleaning, leatherwork, or handling dead bodies, based on ritual purity concepts in texts like the Manusmriti.
• Practices: Historically, "untouchables" faced exclusion—barred from temples, wells, schools, and upper-caste areas. They were forced into segregated living, denied social mobility, and subjected to violence for transgressing norms. Practices varied by region but often included economic exploitation and dehumanizing rituals (e.g., carrying night soil).
• Modern Status: Untouchability was outlawed in India’s 1950 Constitution, with affirmative action (reservations) for Dalits. Yet, subtle and overt discrimination persists—e.g., restricted access to resources, social boycotts, or violence in rural areas. Urbanization and education have reduced some barriers, but caste-based prejudice lingers in marriage, employment, and politics.
• Scale: Data is patchy, but surveys (e.g., 2016 National Crime Records Bureau) report thousands of caste-based atrocities annually, mostly against Dalits. Social attitudes are slow to change despite legal reforms.

Devanga the Deiveega Brahmins

Devanga community of a caste under Hinduism, is considered higher among the living.

List of All Devanga Subcastes

The Devanga community lacks a universally agreed-upon list of subcastes, as divisions are fluid, often overlapping with regional or occupational identities. Based on historical texts (e.g., Castes and Tribes of Southern India by Edgar Thurston), community narratives, and online sources, here’s a comprehensive list of known subcastes or subgroups:

1. Kulachaar Devanga (Shaivite, Karnataka)
2. Shivachar Devanga (Shaivite, Karnataka/Andhra Pradesh)
3. Gandoru (Early division, possibly extinct or merged)
4. Namdoru (Counterpart to Gandoru, historical)
5. Bilimagga (White loom weavers, Karnataka)
6. Atagara (Weavers and exorcists, Karnataka)
7. Sedan/Seniayan (Tamil Nadu, economical weavers)
8. Laddigars (Karnataka, specific weaving subgroup)
9. Yenthelars (Regional variant, possibly Karnataka)
10. Balilars (Ship-goers/traders, coastal Karnataka)
11. Kappelars (Trader subgroup, Karnataka)
12. Iremaneru (Unspecified, possibly Andhra Pradesh)
13. Kal Kotlars (Karnataka, weaving variant)
14. Chinnu Kotlars (Small-scale weavers, Karnataka)
15. Kanjil Kudithars (Unspecified, possibly Tamil Nadu)
16. Segunthalars (Tamil Nadu subgroup)
17. Ampukollars (Tamil Nadu, weaving variant)
18. Sevvelars (Tamil Nadu, possibly temple weavers)
19. Lingayat Devanga (Veerashaiva followers, Karnataka)
20. Vaishnavite Devanga (Historical Vaishnava sect, rare today)

This list is not exhaustive, as subcastes may emerge or fade over time, and some names (e.g., Gandoru, Namdoru) are historical or ambiguous. Linguistic groups (Kannada, Telugu, Tamil, Marathi, Rajasthani) often subsume these divisions, making precise classification difficult.

Marriage Rules and Restrictions

Devanga marriage customs are rooted in Hindu traditions, with specific rules influenced by their Shaivite or Vaishnavite leanings, gotra (clan) system, and community norms. Here’s who can marry whom and whom they cannot:

• Who Can Marry Whom:
  • Same Community, Different Sect: Traditionally, a Shaivite Devanga (e.g., Kulachaar) can marry a Vaishnavite Devanga, as long as they belong to different gotras. This rule, noted in older sources, ensures sectarian diversity within the marriage, though it’s less rigid today.
  • Different Subcastes, Same Gotra Rules: A Kannada Devanga can marry a Telugu Devanga or a Tamil Devanga Chettiar, provided their gotras differ. For example, a Kulachaar Devanga (gotra: Koundinya) could marry a Shivachar Devanga (gotra: Bharadwaja).
  • Inter-Regional Marriages: With modernization, Marathi-speaking Devangas from Pandharpur or Rajasthani Devangs can marry South Indian Devangas, as long as gotra and family approval align. This is increasingly common in the diaspora (e.g., USA).
  • Vegetarian/Non-Vegetarian Flexibility: In some regions (e.g., Tamil Nadu), a vegetarian Devanga girl can marry into a non-vegetarian family, adopting their dietary habits post-marriage, especially after puberty.
• Who Cannot Marry Whom:
  • Same Gotra: Marriage within the same gotra (e.g., two Koundinya Devangas) is strictly prohibited, following Hindu exogamy rules to avoid perceived familial ties.
  • Same Sect (Historically): In older traditions, two Shaivites or two Vaishnavites couldn’t marry, though this restriction has largely faded with secularization.

Veeramangai Velu Nachiyar (Veerangana)

Veeramangai - Veerangana

Velu Nachiyar, also known as Rani Velu Nachiyar, was a remarkable figure in Indian history, reigning as the queen of Sivaganga from approximately 1780 to 1790. Born on January 3, 1730, in Ramanathapuram, Tamil Nadu, she was the only child of Raja Chellamuthu Vijayaragunatha Sethupathy and Rani Sakandhimuthal. Trained in martial arts, horse riding, archery, and various combat techniques like Silambam and Valari, she was raised with the skills typically reserved for a male heir. She also mastered multiple languages, including Tamil, English, French, and Urdu, showcasing her intellect and versatility.

Velu Nachiyar married Muthu Vaduganatha Periyavudaya Thevar, the king of Sivaganga, at the age of 16, and they had a daughter named Vellachi. Their reign was prosperous until 1772, when the British East India Company, allied with the Nawab of Arcot, invaded Sivaganga. In the brutal Kalaiyar Koil War, her husband was killed, and Velu Nachiyar was forced to flee with her daughter. She sought refuge in Virupachi near Dindigul under the protection of Palayakaarar Kopaala Naayakkar for eight years. During this exile, she meticulously planned her retaliation, forming alliances with regional leaders like Gopala Nayaker and Hyder Ali, the Sultan of Mysore.

In 1780, Velu Nachiyar launched her campaign against the British. With Hyder Ali’s support—providing 5,000 troops, weapons, and financial aid—she built a formidable army. One of her most notable strategies involved a suicide attack, often credited as the first of its kind in Indian history. Her loyal commander, Kuyili, reportedly doused herself in oil or ghee, set herself ablaze, and destroyed a British ammunition store, significantly weakening their defenses. This bold move, combined with Velu Nachiyar’s tactical leadership and the assistance of the Marudhu brothers and Thandavarayan Pillai, led to the successful recapture of Sivaganga. The British and their allies were driven out, and she reclaimed her throne.

Velu Nachiyar ruled Sivaganga for over a decade, demonstrating resilience and governance skills. She established an all-women army named "Udaiyaal" in memory of her adopted daughter, who also perished in the fight against the British. Her reign lasted until around 1790, when she passed the throne to her daughter Vellachi, with the Marudhu brothers aiding in administration. She died on December 25, 1796, leaving a legacy as a fierce opponent of colonial rule.

While the British used guns and advanced weaponry, Velu Nachiyar’s forces relied on a mix of traditional weapons, guerrilla tactics, and the gunpowder weapons supplied by Hyder Ali. Her victory in 1780, 77 years before the 1857 First War of Independence, marks her as one of the earliest Indian rulers to effectively challenge British dominance. Known as "Veeramangai" (brave woman) among Tamils, her story is a testament to courage and strategic brilliance in the face of overwhelming odds.

 

Jai Bharat Ram!